Every day I ask myself:
What if Matthew stayed home from school that day?
What if he had skipped baseball practice?
What if I had waited for him on the field?
What if I had run faster to the field after his panicked and tearful phone call?
What if his friends had been able to stop him before he reached the hotel?
What if the security at the hotel had stopped the sweaty distraught 14 year old?
What if the door to the 10th floor banquet hall had been locked?
What if the windows had been unbreakable?
What if the presence of G-d that stayed Abraham’s hand to spare Isaac was able to catch my son as he fell those ten stories?
What if Matthew had been able to graduate from high school?
College? Marry? Become a parent?
What if Matthew had lived?
As I beat my chest on Yom Kippur I add:
For the sin of being an inattentive parent.
For the sin of not hearing what was left unsaid.
For the sin of not seeing his distress.
For the sin of presenting myself as the mom who needed to be proud rather than the one who was ready to listen.
For the sin of presenting myself as a parent who needed to be protected from the truth.
For the sin of focusing on Matthew’s death rather than his life.
For all of these things –
May the Universe forgive me, pardon me and grant me atonement.
Ellie Schneir is a Los Angeles County Public Defender and suicide prevention activist, whose 14-year-old son Matthew ended his life 7 years ago.
