I used to think that every person on the street
held a secret,
every storefront a story
now I drive past them without wondering
what they know.
My life has changed in ways
I never could have prepared for.
I only get whiffs of what has changed:
a glimpse of a memory
of how we all stared into one another
in the weeks after the earthquake,
why orange flower blossoms and jet fuel
make it smell so good to walk out into the air after landing at LAX;
what midnight felt like, back when it was easy to stay up late.
Glimpses,
only glimpses.
What has changed about me most,
I am guessing,
is the way it feels to feel.
The smoke and ether behind my actions
are all completely different
from whatever drove me at ten or twenty or thirty
My childhood is only photographs.
But when I’m looking to mark in ink what has changed
evidence is nowhere to be found,
like a shadow moving when I turn to it.
Jill Soloway is a comedian, playwright, author and the creator of the Golden Globe award winning series Transparent. www.jillsoloway.com
