Years ago, my friend, Reverend Ed Bacon, taught me an important lesson.
In every story of our lives, he said, we can be the victim, the hero, or the learner. This is a choice.
Say I get the opportunity to travel somewhere beautiful for a few days, but when I get off the plane, I discover that my luggage has been lost. The victim asks: Why does this always happen to me? My trip is ruined!
The hero reports: I stayed completely calm. I just gave my info to the baggage representative and made my way to the hotel. No way will this spoil my vacation!
But the learner? She determines that she will, from that point forward, only fly with carry-on.
Amidst all the rage and sorrow of our time, we gravitate naturally toward the victim or the hero narrative. There is comfort in both.
But my dear pastor friend says: don’t be either. Be a learner. Ask yourself: How can I grow from this encounter?
What would it take to adopt the learner’s mindset? To learn, we must get curious. When challenged, instead of fighting or fleeing, we can choose to stretch open our hearts. To shift from defensive to intrigued, to look at one another with wonder. If this works with lost luggage, imagine how much more meaningful it is with broken hearts, and strained relationships.
A commitment to learning allows us to see one another not as caricatures of evil, but as images of the Divine: broken and even beautiful. It calls us back to the sacred recognition of each other’s humanity—even or especially when we’ve been hurt. And it helps us make better choices next time.
Vulnerable, openhearted engagement, the learner’s path, is counter-instinctual in this era of so much certainty. But it is also, I believe, the only way we’ll begin to heal.
Sharon Brous is the Rabbi of Ikar in Los Angeles and author of The Amen Effect. ikar.org
For Every Jewel There is a Question:
Which of the three describes you best? The victim, the hero, or the learner?
