I remember a hot Saturday morning in August, 20 years ago. I was on the brink of middle age but in my spiritual adolescence. I was dutiful about my seminary studies, church work and prayers. My
failures weighed on me, including my first marriage. Our two school-age daughters, visiting for the weekend, were still asleep in their bedroom. I knew my choices had hurt them. I wanted to feel better about myself, to feel useful, worthy and loved. I was working hard to earn God’s esteem. I admit I sometimes still do.
As I prayed, I started thinking about my English grandmother, Lily. My girls never knew her, although the younger, Lindsay, could be her twin. I thought about an Easter Sunday morning when I was
little and our family had gotten to church just in time to sing her favorite hymn. On our Christian day of ultimate hope, I felt happy that Lily was happy. I finished my prayers and had my coffee. Soon ten-year-old Lindsay awoke, sat next to me on the couch, and yawned. She said, “It feels like Easter.”
From a few small moments of ineffable grace such as this, I derive my theology. My advice from my younger to my aging self is not to try so hard. Just look and see. Love the divine in the people around you, strangers as well as family and friends, those you already care about and those who annoy you. We all are warp and woof of our own creator. Battle whatever tries to put us asunder.
John Harvey Taylor is the Episcopal Bishop of Los Angeles. www.episcopalchurch.org
