I decided that it’s time for some introspection in my life. Time to step back, time to evaluate where I am going and how I am getting there. Time to look at where I have been and really, this year, enjoy the peak at which I find myself and savor the view a little.
Sometimes I think the month of Elul can be used as a time to be a little negative with oneself. To fine ones faults and to find ways to start anew. To see where we have wronged others and to right those wrongs and change our paths.
Last year I didn’t even find celebrating the High Holy Days within myself. I acknowledged them and yes, I remember I was at the beach at Rosh Hashanah and I remember going on a walk at dawn to watch the sunrise and vaguely I felt the face of Gd smile upon me but not like I had in years past. It was a weak trickle of sunlight, like the cold winter sunlight across a frozen tundra.
I have always loved the coming of the Holy Day of Rosh Hashanah. I take the visualisation of the Master in the fields quite literally and conceptualise it as fields bathed in golden sunshine as the Master smiles upon all he surveys and the workers smile in pleasure that he is there.
Last year had none of that.
This year I feel a small anticipation. I am thinking of a menu for Rosh Hashanah. And for Elul I am thinking of building up to that joyous day. I am thinking of preparing myself by filling my basket with joy.
I have spent the last year rebuilding myself from the inside out. There is much work yet to be done. Baskets to be filled with fruit and grain. Wine bottles to be filled. And it will not be competed by the time the Master enters the field of my life but it will be more complete than it was last year and I know he will be pleased.
Every day is another step on the ladder. Sometimes it is an excruciating climb. Sometimes I slip and fall all the way to the ground and am crushed under the weight of my burden almost to the point where I absolutely know I cannot climb the ladder again.
And that is when the Master sees me and picks me up and helps me put my foot on that first rung again and he watches me lift myself onto it. Then he walks away knowing I have my start.
It is time to show him what I have achieved. And I am so very very proud of myself this year.
Written in response to Tov Mirvis’ Jewel “Lone State.” Read it HERE.
